


bonfire heart

by saunatonttu



Series: Eleven Days of KuroTsukki [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, kurotsukkiweek day 5, prompt: insecurities, some mentioned yakulev on the side, trans male kuroo, trans male yaku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 18:56:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4274328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saunatonttu/pseuds/saunatonttu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was also true that Tetsurou in general was much surer of his feelings than Kei, much quicker to act on them and less inclined to stand by and wait while figuring out the exact name for the emotion.</p><p>Some people would call it passion.<br/>Others might call it pressure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bonfire heart

**Author's Note:**

> "People like us / we don't need that much / just someone that starts / starts the spark in our bonfire hearts."

“Say, do you love me?”

“…”

“Tsukki?”

“Kuroo-san, just—not yet.”

“Ah. Okay.”

.

.

.

 

 _It’s not jealousy,_ Tetsurou told himself as he took a sip from his first can of beer. First of many, as he had many six-packs left from the time Oikawa had dropped by to pay his debts in the form of alcohol.

It wasn’t jealousy because there was nothing to be jealous of – except perhaps the lack of distance some people had when it came to Kei. Yeah, that he was jealous of, and he acknowledged that much. There was only so much that could be done about that, however: Skype, text messages, the rare visits.

Sometimes none of those were enough to kill the doubt that lingered in Tetsurou’s mind.

_Is this going to last?_

 

It wasn’t like he would force Kei to say the words out loud. He wouldn’t be that person – but there was something about verbal confirmation on the fact that he wasn’t alone in his feelings that made Tetsurou’s heart swell.

Or, at least, would make if it were ever to happen.

 _Not yet_ was such a misleading thing, Tetsurou thought to himself as he finished his fifth beer, his head comfortably buzzy right then. All he needed was Bokuto, and he would be ready to do something dumb, although he was ready to do that sober, too. Nothing wrong with letting go of inhibitions on occasion.

It was one thing for Tetsurou to smile and say _take your time, we’re in no hurry_ but completely another thing to live up to it when he was in the dumps.

“That’s one way of putting it,” Tetsurou muttered to himself as he tossed the emptied can into the trashcan, missing it by several inches.

Luckily he had never been aiming for basketball.

That thought made him laugh, the sound unsteady as it broke the silence of his room; he was alone in the apartment he shared with Bokuto and Akaashi for once, and he was kind of thankful for that.

Wallowing in his own doubt was sometimes easier and better than listening to Bokuto’s attempts at cheering him up, no matter how heartwarming those could be. (The cat onesie was one of those more successful ones on Bokuto’s list of _what to do to make Kuroo smile again_.)

 _Maybe I really am an asshole, thinking so hard about it,_ Tetsurou mused to himself as he opened another beer for himself. Oikawa had paid his debts off at a very good time.

But with the distance between Kei and him, all they really had were words.

Tetsurou pursed his lips and downed the beer in two long gulps.

 

 

He woke up the next day way too early. He didn’t remember even going to sleep the night before, so it was kind of disorienting to notice that it was, in fact, already a Saturday morning and he had morning practice in, like, two hours.

As did Kei.

Tetsurou closed his eyes at the thought, stomach clenching with nausea.

 

 

 _good luck with practice,_ Tetsurou ended up texting Kei while wobbling over to kitchen to prepare some hangover-friendly breakfast.

Kei replied quickly, which surprised Tetsurou – made him drop the kettle from his hands when the phone buzzed inside his jeans’ pocket. Tetsurou glanced behind him with a grimace, the sound only furthering his headache, and hoped Bokuto and Akaashi hadn’t woken up.

 _good luck with yours too._ Tetsurou smiled at the emoji-less message, a familiar swooning flutter somewhere inside his chest making its way up to Tetsurou’s throat until he felt like he was choking up on his own heart.

Maybe it was the hangover.

As in-tune as he was with his emotions, Tetsurou would prefer it to be the hangover.

 

 

“Kuroo, for fuck’s sake.”

Yaku was very unsympathetic when it came to his love woes, at least until he’d notice that Tetsurou was genuinely upset.

Tetsurou flinched at his friend’s tone – there was sympathy now, soft and kind. Sometimes it was too easy to forget that Yaku was much more than his complex with his height, much more than his sharp tongue.

Yaku was kind, caring, and Tetsurou was reminded of this when Yaku pushed a cup of tea at him. “You look like you need it,” Yaku murmured, his dark eyes observing Tetsurou’s slumped shoulders and fidgeting hands. “Geesh, would you stop looking like a kicked puppy already? It reminds me of Lev.”

“I’m not—“

“You are. You look exactly like Lev does when we’ve had a fight and I said something hurtful.” Yaku’s expression, open and kind of self-loathing, made him seem even smaller than usual, and Tetsurou flinched, hating how he had barged in with his issue when Yaku was like this.

Yaku really was kind when it came to the important things.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, taking the cup into his hands and cradled it between them. The heat and the relaxing scent coaxed a small smile out of him. “Sorry, I know this was a bad time.”

“It’s not,” Yaku said from the other side of the table as he poured tea for himself, eyes flickering to Tetsurou’s face every so often. “I mean, Lev and I did have a fight, but it’s not like you can make me feel any worse about it.”

“Thanks,” Tetsurou grimaced.

“Don’t make that face,” Yaku kicked at Tetsurou’s shin under the table. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

And Tetsurou talked.

 

 

The good thing about Yaku was that he understood despite being unable to fully empathize with him.

While his and lev’s relationship wasn’t long-distance and while Lev was more than willing to throw the _l-_ word around freely without feeling an ounce of shame, Tetsurou got the feeling Yaku sometimes felt as lost as Tetsurou when it came to their respective relationships.

“Oh.” Yaku blinked slowly once Tetsurou quieted down, dark brown eyes unreadable as they inspected Tetsurou’s face and body language carefully. That was another good thing about Yaku – as quick-tempered as he appeared, he could always be counted on when someone needed help.

Bokuto, too.

And Kenma, though Kenma would always be unwilling to meddle with things that required communication with other people.

Tetsurou had _really_ good friends.

“You know,” Yaku started, “I relate more to Tsukishima-kun in this situation than I do with you, even despite my hopeless pining for Lev in the beginning.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured,” Tetsurou hummed, “but I didn’t really expect any pity points in the first place with you.”

“You wouldn’t get any pity,” Yaku kicked at Tetsurou’s shin again, “but I can offer compassion.”

“That’s what I like about you,” Tetsurou grinned wearily at his friend, who rolled his eyes and slurped noisily at his tea. “Thanks, Yaku.”

 

 

“So,” Yaku eventually broke the silence with a quiet cough, “do you remember when you were trying to tell Tsukishima-kun that you were trans?”

“Don’t remind me,” Tetsurou nearly choked on the now lukewarm tea. “I was so fucking scared, I think I ranted Kenma’s ears off.”

“And mine.”

“You did the same when you decided to tell the team – _and_ Lev,” Tetsurou commented, a teasing grin spreading over his lips as he watched Yaku’s face redden with embarrassment from the memory.

“I had to come out to Lev twice before he got the gist of it,” Yaku muttered, turning the cup on the table absentmindedly. “It was much more terrifying face-to-face and alone with him than with the team around.”

“Relatable,” Tetsurou said lightly, but his stomach twisted at the memory of Yaku’s anxiety in their third year when he had decided to come out to the rest of their teammates and finally giving the reason as to why he never changed clothes at the same time with them.

Yaku’s anxiety had always taken the form of angry lashing out, and combined with the rest of the shit that had been going on in their third year, it hadn’t been surprising.

“But anyway,” Yaku continued, “you remember how terrifying that was.”

Tetsurou nodded.

“Imagine how terrifying it’s for someone other than you to come to terms with being in love with another guy,” Yaku said slowly, brows wrinkled as his hands trembled just a little around the cup.

Now, they were entering a personal area, one that Yaku usually didn’t share with people; Tetsurou figured the only exceptions to that were Lev and Sugawara, with whom Yaku had struck a not really unexpected friendship back in the day, and Lev was a given since he had the boyfriend privilege of having both Yaku’s heart and trust.

“Imagine being a guy that’s pretty used to covering parts of himself from the world, from even his closest people,” Yaku continued, fingers tapping at the porcelain cup nervously, “and then someone comes along and expects you to lay your heart out when you’re so unsure of everything and anything.”

“Imagine knowing that what you feel for the other is undeniably romantic,” Yaku added, hand rising to rub at the side of his neck (a habit picked up from Tetsurou), “but the word _love_ doesn’t quite fit it for a while, even when your boyfriend throws ridiculous proclamations out there, eyes shining bright like goddamn stars.”

“Yaku—“

“No, really, Kuroo. I know your side of this; I know you need to feel like you’re not the only one in the relationship. I get it.” Yaku bit at his lips, eyes darkening as he looked up. “But have you ever thought that for a seventeen-year-old kid, approaching his eighteenth birthday, and has already lots of shit on his shoulders from school and volleyball team, love might seem like something far-away and out of his sight? How’s a kid supposed to know what love is when the only ideas he has of it are from literature classes and unnecessary subplots from movies?”

“Breathe, Yaku,” Tetsurou smiled, though it felt more painful than anything as he saw Yaku’s face twitch as an old insecurity clawed at his chest.

“Sorry, I went off tangent there,” Yaku sighed, tugging at his hair in frustration. “Just that. He’s not even eighteen yet, Kuroo. High school’s awful time, and rushing into I-love-you’s is not the way to go.”

“Yeah,” Tetsurou agreed quietly, “I know.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you, you know,” Yaku murmured. “He seems like an awkward kid. Give him time to figure things out.”

Tetsurou nodded distractedly, lips pursing over the edge of the tea cup as he resisted the urge to pull Yaku a hug. He’d get his ass handed to him, though.

 

 

He thought about what Yaku had said to him, gave the words serious thinking as he rolled in his bed while sleep remained elusive.

It was true that Kei was in the middle of a chaotic part of his life.

It was also true that Tetsurou in general was much surer of his feelings than Kei, much quicker to act on them and less inclined to stand by and wait while figuring out the exact name for the emotion.

Some people would call it passion.

Others might call it pressure.

Tetsurou sighed and rolled to his side, pulling a pillow over his ears; maybe the dinosaur-printed pillowcase would make him feel better.

 

 

It turned out that falling asleep to Kei’s favorite thing was easy and effortless, and it did make him feel better, even though the worry didn’t quite leave him.

  It turned out that waking up to Kei calling him was a little more tedious because, urgh, he had been sleeping so good… dreaming about his last visit to Miyagi…

(Two months. It had been _two_ months; maybe his fear and insecurity was understandable when that fact was brought into the debate.)

“Hrmgh,” was Tetsurou’s very intelligible response once he got the phone to his ear.

 _“What a nice greeting,”_ Kei’s voice teased, sounding cool and nonchalant but even in his sleepy state, Tetsurou could hear the undercurrent of nervousness that crackled in the undertones of Kei’s words. _“Did I wake you up?”_

“Yeah,” Tetsurou managed to pull his face off his pillow and turn around as he yawned. “You kinda did, babe.”

_“It’s Monday noon, what the hell are you doing, Tetsurou?”_

Tetsurou’s heart stopped. Holy shit. “Tsukki, what—“

It was casual, more so than any other time Kei had said his name, though still accompanied with a hint of anxiety that Tetsurou wasn’t sure how to interpret. Now, he thought that perhaps it was Kei’s difficulty in letting people close – close enough for _this_ , anyway.

 _“Don’t you have a class in, like, fifteen minutes?”_ Kei sounded unimpressed, and a little concerned, and it made Tetsurou’s stomach flip and gave him the energy to sit up.

Which, in retrospect, turned out to be a mistake, as Tetsurou noticed the sharp pangs of pain in his body only then.

“Ow, shit—“

_“Tetsurou?”_

“I think I slept with my binder on,” Tetsurou grumbled, cringing at the pain radiating up his stomach. Fuck, now that he thought about it, he had flopped straight to the bed after the day spent with Yaku (who made sure they both took their binders off occasionally, but go figure Tetsurou forgot to do that on his own).

Kei’s groan of sympathy only barely registered in Tetsurou’s mind. _“How bad does it hurt?”_

“S’not _bad,_ but my stomach’s killing me a bit.”

 _“Maybe I should start sending you reminders to take it off from now on,”_ Kei murmured. Tetsurou laughed despite it not being even remotely close to a joke. Kei would do it, he knew.

“You’re too good to me, Tsukki.”

 _“I’m not,”_ Kei’s voice grew quiet. _“If anything, it’s the opposite.”_

“Tsukki—“

 _“Thank you,”_ Kei interrupted softly, _“for waiting for me all this time, Tetsurou.”_

Tetsurou, who had been a little more preoccupied with the pain, stopped breathing for a few seconds, his heart skipping a beat at the same time.

“…Did Yaku say something?”

_“He sent me a message that just said COMMUNICATE WITH HIM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, but honestly, it’s been on my mind lately.”_

Tetsurou couldn’t stop wheezing with laughter for the next five minutes or so even despite knowing that Kei’s time was limited. “I can’t believe him.”

 _“Yeah, well,”_ Kei’s voice took on an embarrassed note, _“sometimes I need the extra push to confront some… things.”_

“Is this one of those things?”

 _“I… yeah, sort of.”_ Kei sighed, nearly drowned out by the background noise. _“As much as I’d like to think that this is what being in love **is**_ , _I just… I don’t know my way around this feeling, and I have no clue if it can be called that. I’m sorry I never say it back, Tetsurou.”_

Tetsurou listened quietly to Kei’s voice that, despite its steadiness, held insecurities and anxieties that Tetsurou had previously brushed off as he had been too focused on his own.

His smile softened.

“Don’t be sorry; I really do mean it when I tell you to take your time, Kei.” Tetsurou bit at his lip, toes curling, and he felt better after saying the other’s name out loud.

 _“I know,”_ Kei sighed yet again. _“Just. Urgh. This is embarrassing to ask, but can I come over on Friday, after practice?”_

Tetsurou nearly fell off his bed in his excitement, a pained whine merging from his throat first before anything else.

 _“Tetsurou?”_ Quiet, shy. Scared, just a little bit.

“Yeah, I’d love that.” Tetsurou grinned, and his insecurities pushed back a bit. “Kei.”

 _“The way you say my name is embarrassing---_ “

“It’s ‘cos I say it with all the emotion I have for you.”

 _“I need to go to class,”_ Kei groaned, but Tetsurou was sure he was smiling. _“And you, take off that binder before you hurt yourself more.”_

“Anything for you,” Tetsurou cooed, and Kei made a strangled noise of embarrassment before hanging up on Tetsurou.

Tetsurou spent the next ten minutes smiling like a fool before he actually got around to pulling himself up from his bed and finally get that binder off before anything other than his stomach hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> UUhhh, I'm not entirely sure about this, but thank you for reading.
> 
> Remember to bind safely, kids.


End file.
